Late Night Thoughts of A Mother Whose Child Has Cancer (5)
Herewith this week’s article as penned by Ethan’s Mom, Gila Jacobs, on her feelings as an Onco Mom in dealing with the daily trials and tribulations of cancer. As originally explained, this article is posted as is to maintain integrity and passion.
8 July 2014
Right now… I’m standing at a crossroads of asking WHY?
Why is it that right now, in this moment, I feel so different, so changed? As if I just don’t care what people think of me as a Mom who has gone through such a hardship as cancer with her child?
Why is it that I feel so free as a person; someone who is able to point out exactly what needs fixing, free enough to face the truth?
Why is it that I see so clearly what I want out of life?
Why is it that I have the balls (so to speak) to face every fear and every challenge with my eyes open?
Why am I not afraid to change me, down to the very core of my soul in order to live a happier tomorrow?
Why is it that I could care less whether anyone wants to join me going forward or not?
Why? Because my son is 3 months in remission and I have grown with him and most of all changed with him during his cancer journey. I have taken every curveball, every harsh blow, every challenge and overcome.
I am not afraid to challenge or be challenged. I am not afraid to ask those questions. To fight for a healthy and happy tomorrow which my son deserves. I want to look at myself in the mirror and know that I have done everything in my human power to give him a life of love, light and laughter.
I am sometimes alone in my motivation. Sometimes my wishes are not understood… my fight for a better, happier tomorrow is met with more resistance than expected. Why does it seem that what I want to offer my son (who has been through so much) seems crazy? Is change really that scary?
Well I’m not afraid. I’m not afraid to say that today I will become a better person. I will care more for someone else than myself, I will have patience when the pots are being thrown around. I will leave the housework to first spend some time tickling. Or play hide and seek. I will be fully aware that the way I live today, is the way he will live with his children one day. I will take on that responsibility of teaching him how to live every second as if it’s your last.
I will show him love and affection that will last forever, even when I am no longer here. I will leave him a legacy like no other. I will be strong for him, lead him, teach him, hold him, tuck him in, sing with him, dance with him, give him more than enough happy memories to drown out all the cancer ones.
I accept this huge responsibility with all that I have within me. I pray for God’s help so that I do not fail this challenge, and I trust in God’s plan for our lives.
My name is Gila Jacobs, my son Ethan is recovering from cancer. My husband and I are recovering from shock, stress, financial burdens due to medical bills and plain and simple exhaustion. This is our story.
No language can express the power, and beauty, and heroism, and majesty of a mother’s love. It shrinks not where man cowers, and grows stronger where man faints, and over wastes of worldly fortunes sends the radiance of its quenchless fidelity like a star.
~Edwin Hubbell Chapin ~
Posted on 12 July, 2014, in Blog, Onco Parents and tagged cancer, childhood cancer, Childhood Cancer Awareness, Ethan, Fighting Cancer, Gila Jacobs, LFCT, Little Fighters, Mother's Love, Rhabdomyosarcoma, strength. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.