Late Night Thoughts of A Mother Whose Child Has Cancer (10)
Herewith the latest article as penned by Ethan’s Mom, Gila Jacobs, on her feelings as an Onco Mom in dealing with the daily trials and tribulations of cancer. As originally explained, this article is posted as is to maintain integrity and passion.
13 November 2014
So it’s Christmas time – and we can actually participate in ALL the shopping and joyous festivities we missed last year when we were preparing for chemo admissions instead. This is emotional enough.
I’m at my highest high knowing the cancer is not there right now, but simultaneously experiencing my lowest low knowing that I couldn’t cope going through the process again – should it come back. I’m at peace and stressed out. I am grateful that my son is here but also resentful that he has to cope with so much. That WE have to cope with so much… post treatment.
Yes, Ethan is 7 months cancer free! Yes he passed all x-rays, MRI’S and blood tests with flying colours. Yes, his port was even removed, and his jumping on the bed… running around and being a typical 3 year old boy.
But… NO, I’m not over it, I’m not okay, I’m not able to be a typical mother of a 3 year old.
I’m an emotional wreck. Walking this tight rope of post cancer life. Taking in every moment as if tomorrows not coming. Smothering Ethan with kisses and hugs. Waiting for my healing to begin… after Ethan’s healing (treatment plan) is now complete. It’s so difficult though, so hard to just leave the cancer be. To forget about it… to NOT wonder about it coming back again. To get up and just go without staring at my son and wishing I could see through his skin to be able to detect any new lumps! To stop feeling like a raving lunatic!
At times, when I’m so busy being everything to everyone… it feels as if no one’s being anything to me. It’s a lonely place to be. Through my pain I have still taken time considering other people’s feelings… and when I decided to put myself first… well let’s just say people were confused. It’s as if cancer has become such an easy disease, a household name, something that you recover from as soon as all the hair grows back. Those inexperienced, expect you to forget the picture of sickness chemo brings, the permanent damage radiation does, the scars surgery leaves and the memories of pain and suffering. To them, it’s crisis over…happy days.
These days, finding a soft place to fall is more challenging than when we were going through the actual treatment.
I find myself cocooning in my home with my closest family who provide the most softness… my conversations with God has also provided calm unexplainable in words. My husband and myself have grown closer in our pain… as much as the cancer has torn our marriage apart, it has also plastered the cracks with a bonding solution comparable to none other.
Amongst the chaos resides peace. Amongst the pain resides healing. Amongst the fear resides courage. Amongst the resentment resides love. Amongst the smoke screen resides reality. Amongst the uncertainty resides truth.
Amongst all of this resides: love, family, hugs, kisses, laughter, prayer and faith. But the greatest of these is love.
This Christmas I am going to love!
My name is Gila Jacobs, my son Ethan is recovering from cancer. My husband and I are recovering from shock, stress, financial burdens due to medical bills and plain and simple exhaustion. This is our story.
Posted on 10 December, 2014, in Blog, Onco Parents and tagged cancer, Cancer Survivor, Child Cancer Awareness, Childhood Cancer Awareness, Ethan, Gila Jacobs, Mother's Love, Rhabdomyosarcoma. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.