Dates I Remember…

A child's death forever changes a family and those who love them. The experience of grief is lifelong - it does not go away after a certain amount of time. Yes, it softens but always there is a place in your heart and your soul that yearns for that child

Today we would like to share with you a piece written by Theresa Botha Nieuwenhuis,  Xuané’s mommy.  The piece was originally written in Afrikaans (shown below English version) but it is so powerful that we translated it so that everyone could understand what the death of a child from childhood cancer does to a mother…

February 11, 2015 at 4:24pm

Every woman remembers specific dates on which they achieved specific milestones. They are just those special moments that one will remember forever…

Well… I remember the following dates:

2005/12/26 – Found out I am pregnant with Xuané

2006/03/04 – My Wedding Day

2006/08/17 – Xuané’s Birth

2008/05/19 – Found out I am pregnant with Mia

2009/01/08 – Mia’s Birth

2009/10/28 – Xuané’s First Operation

2010/02/02 – Xuané’s First 5 Hour Operation

2010/02/11 – Xuané was Diagnosed with Cancer

2010/03/08 – Xuané’s Radiation Treatment begins

2010/04/21 – Xuané’s Radiation Treatment ends

2010/11/26 – Xuané’s Second 5 Hour Operation

2010/12/16 – Xuané’s First Chemotherapy Treatment

2011/01/21 –  Xuané’s Second Chemotherapy Treatment

2011/02/19 – Xuané’s Third Chemotherapy Treatment

2012/04/12 – Docters tell us Xuané has 2 years left to live

2014/10/24 – Xuané Died

2014/10/28 – Xuané’s Funeral

2014/10/30 – Xuané’s Cremation

As I see these dates, there were more bad times that I remember than good. And that is not right. One should see dates and say “Phew! We did this and we did that” not how many times we were in the hospital and how many operations were undergone.

One gets forms that one must complete with every hospital admittance, and you get a fright when you realise that you can complete them with closed eyes because you have done so many, and you can remember your Medical Aid Number off by heart; it is like a telephone number that one memorizes….

On the 3rd of February I returned to a place to which I thought would never see me again and to which I did not want to go. I forced myself to do that which I did not want to, because I knew that if I did not I would go mad.

I went back to Unitas Hospital to donate Xuané’s wheelchair. That feeling when I walked through those doors – it is a feeling that I cannot describe or explain to anyone; it was just plain crappy.

To walk in there and see those little faces… to look at the room in which my child lay for 2 weeks… the room where I made peace with the situation… the room where I asked God to come and fetch her because I could not stand to see my child suffer any longer…

Xuané was suffering, and it no longer mattered how many new things I learned to try and make things easier for her; none of them could save her life.

It was the end, but I did not want to see or accept that; I continued to fight and suddenly I found myself standing in a room with the worst sound ever screaming in my ears… Silence!

And there she lay… lifeless…

How do you maintain your composure and not scream hysterically nonstop… HOW?

How do you pick up the phone and phone people to give them this type of news?

How do you continue as if it is a perfectly normal day?

How do you go to sleep at night without recriminations?

How do you get up every day just to relive the nightmare over and over again?

Well that is how my days are now…

Even though I have a beautiful ray of sunshine daughter that hugs me whenever I need it, or just smiles if I get a tear in my eye… I also sit with that emptiness every day that not even she can fill.

And what gets to me most is that I will ALWAYS feel this way!!!


never get over loss

Original Afrikaans Post

February 11, 2015 at 4:24pm

Elke vrou onthou spesifieke datums waarop hulle mylpale bereik het. Dit is maar net al daai spesiale oomblikke wat mens verewig sal onthou…

Wel. Ek onthou die volgende datums:

2005/12/26 – Vind uit ek is swanger me Xuané

2006/03/04 – Troudag

2006/08/17 – Xuané se geboorte

2008/05/19 – Vind uit ek is swanger met Mia

2009/01/08 – Mia se geboorte

2009/10/28 – Xuané se eerste operasie

2010/02/02 – Xuané se eerste 5 ure operasie

2010/02/11 – Xuané word gediagnoseer met kanker

2010/03/08 – Xuané se bestraling begin

2010/04/21 – Xuané se bestraling is klaar

2010/11/26 – Xuané se tweede 5 ure operasie

2010/12/16 – Xuané se eerste chemo

2011/01/21 – Xuané se tweede chemo

2011/02/19 – Xuané se derde chemo

2012/04/12 – Dokters vertel my Xuané het 2 jaar om te leef

2014/10/24 – Xuané is oorlede

2014/10/28 – Xuané se begrafnis

2014/10/30 – Xuané se verassing

Soos ek vir hierdie datums kyk is daar meer slegte oomblikke wat ek onthou as gelukkige oomblikke. En dit is net nie reg nie. Mense moet datums sien en sê sjoe, ons het dit gedoen en dat gedoen nie hoeveel keer ons in die hospitaal was en hoeveel operasies ondergaan is nie.

Jy kry daardie vormpies wat mens moet invul met elke hospitaal opname en dan skrik mens as mens besef jy kan hom al toe oë invul en jy ken jou mediese fonds kaartjie se nommer uit jou kop uit! Dit is soos ‘n telefoon nommer wat jy memoriseer.

Ek het op die 03de Februarie 2015 teruggekeer na ‘n plek wat ek gedink het my nooit weer gaan sien nie. Maar ek wou nie terug gaan nie. Ek het myself gedwing om dit te doen want ek het geweet as ek nie nou plan maak nie gaan ek mal word.

Ek is terug Unitas Hospitaal toe om Xuané se rolstoel te skenk. Daai gevoel toe ek deur daai deure loop is ‘n gevoel wat ek nie kan beskryf of aan iemand verduidelik nie. Dit was net pleinweg gagga.

Om daar in te stap en daai gesiggies te sien en na daai kamer te kyk waar jou kind gelê het vir 2 weke en waar ek vrede gemaak het en vir die Here gevra het om haar te kom haal want ek kon nie langer my kind so sien nie.

Sy het swaar gekry en maak nie saak hoeveel takies ek nog aanleer om haar te help nie, dit gaan nie haar lewe red nie. Dit was die einde, maar ek wou dit nie raak sien nie. Ek het bly veg en toe ek myself kry toe staan ek by ‘n kamer deur met die aakligste geluid wat in my ore vir my skree…stilte….

En daar lê sy….leweloos…

Hoe hou jy jouself in toom en skree nie histeries nie… HOE?
Hoe tel jy ‘n telefoon op en bel jou mense met sulke nuus?
Hoe gaan jy aan asof dit ‘n dood normale dag is?
Hoe gaan slaap jy sonder verwyte?
Hoe staan jy op net om die nagmerrie oor en oor en oor te beleef?

Wel dit is hoe my dae nou is.

Alhoewel ek ‘n pragtige sonstraal van ‘n dogtertjie het wat my omhels as ek dit nodig het of net vir my smile as ek ‘n traan in die oog het… so sit ek ook met daai leegheid wat nie eers sy kan vol maak nie.

En wat my vang is dat ek ALTYD so gaan voel!!!!!



Our thoughts and prayers go out to Theresa and the rest of  Xuané’s Loved Ones

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. . ღღ./.ღღ..
(`*•.¸(`*•.¸(`*•.¸«•ஐ• »¸.•*´)¸.•*´)¸.•*´)
•ஐ• «☆ Love, Light , & Strength ☆» •ஐ•
(,.•*´(¸.•*´ (¸.•*´ «•ஐ•» `*•.¸)`*•.,)`*•.,

About LFCT

CHILDHOOD CANCER and CHILDHOOD CANCER AWARENESS Little Fighters Cancer Trust is a non-profit Childhood Cancer support organisation that offers support and aid to Children with Cancer and their families. When a child is diagnosed with cancer it affects the whole family. One of the parents, usually the mother, must give up their job to care for the child and this creates financial problems for the family. In South Africa especially the majority of these families are not well-to-do; many of them are rural. A diagnosis of cancer can wipe out any family’s finances, let alone a poor family. The costs of special medications, special diets, hospital stays, transport to and from the hospital or clinic and accommodation and food costs for the mother who spends most of the time at her child’s bedside are astronomical. These are the people and problems that fall through the cracks, and these are the people that Little Fighters Cancer Trust has pledged to help in any way possible. LFCT takes a holistic approach to assisting the Children with Cancer and their Families, with the main aim to be the preservation of individual dignity and pride. Little Fighters Cancer Trust also focuses on promotion and advocacy of National Childhood Cancer Awareness in an effort to increase awareness of Early Warning Signs of Childhood Cancer. This would result in earlier diagnosis, giving the Child with Cancer more of a chance at Treatment and Survival. See "About" for more Background info

Posted on 13 February, 2015, in Blog, Onco Parents and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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