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Xuané… a Reason to Smile Part 25


xuane ...a Reason to Smile

Xuané Niewenhuis
17 August 2006 – 24 October 2014
Forever ^8^

Xuané…

a Reason to Smile

By:

Theresa Botha Nieuwenhuis

Although I still cry many days… and I believe it will always be so, I go to bed every night with a clear conscience and know she is in safe hands. She is where she wants to be, although I just want her to be with me.

For now I focus on Mia. She needs me and I her. She is bubbly and a busy bee but a ray of sunshine in my day when the days begin dark. From now on she will get the attention she deserves and I will show her she means just as much to us as her sister did.

crying_girl-300x284We have a group of moms in a Whatsapp group. We have all lost children. We share each other’s grief, our good and bad days, our beautiful memories… and we laugh at each other too. But there is one mother who stands out for me; she gave up two daughters to death in a period of nine months. I did not know what to say to her because if I hurt so much, how does her heart feel? To bury one child is bitterly difficult, but two…

This mom is still standing; she is a rock for us all and an example for many. She still helps us through our darkest days and yes, she is definitely a great role-model for me, and if I have a dark day, I just think of her. So much to say, but actually so few words…

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Xuané… a Reason to Smile Part 24


xuane ...a Reason to Smile

Xuané Niewenhuis
17 August 2006 – 24 October 2014
Forever ^8^

Xuané…

a Reason to Smile

By:

Theresa Botha Nieuwenhuis

People compare their pain with that of the parents’. But I have news for you. It’s totally different. Yes, they also lost someone important who meant a lot to them, but for a mother and a father it is completely different.

I lived with her every day… saw her every day, and hugged and kissed her, and now there is a place… just an empty room.

One’s routine is totally messed up… you suddenly have hours in your day you never had before, and although it sounds heavenly to be able to sleep a few hours longer, that is what catches you the most.

Your mind was always working on what should happen next and you were always busy. Now it’s just you and your thoughts… and that can sometimes be very dangerous.

One thinks about everything… what if… if only… if I had just done… You make yourself crazy. But then all those good memories of the good times and the bad come back. I know sometimes I virtually levelled myself; I did everything I could, and not even that could save her.

Xuané was an unconventional child. She did not like attention… to be the centre of attention was not an option, she was shy and reserved… but with one smile she crept into thousands of people’s hearts.

People kept on telling me she is in a better place and she would not want to change places with us, but God knows it does not leave a mommy and daddy’s heart feeling better. A better place? The best place was here… with me… in my arms… safe.

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Xuané… a Reason to Smile Part 23


xuane ...a Reason to Smile

Xuané Niewenhuis
17 August 2006 – 24 October 2014
Forever ^8^

Xuané…

a Reason to Smile

By:

Theresa Botha Nieuwenhuis

On the 3rd of February I returned to a place which I thought would never see me again and to which I did not want to go. I forced myself to do that which I did not want to because I knew that if I did not, I would go mad.

November 2013 - Xuane's new wheels

I went back to Unitas Hospital to donate Xuané’s wheelchair. That feeling when I walked through those doors – it is a feeling that I cannot describe or explain to anyone; it was just plain crappy.

To walk in there and see those little faces… to look at the room in which my child lay for 2 weeks… the room where I made peace with the situation… the room where I asked God to come and fetch her because I could not stand to see my child suffer any longer…

Xuané was suffering, and it no longer mattered how many new things I learned to try to make things easier for her; none of them could save her life.

It was the end, but I did not want to see or accept that; I continued to fight and suddenly I found myself standing in a room with the worst sound ever screaming in my ears… Silence!

And there she lay… lifeless…

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Xuané… a Reason to Smile Part 22


xuane ...a Reason to Smile

Xuané Niewenhuis
17 August 2006 – 24 October 2014
Forever ^8^

Xuané…

a Reason to Smile

By:

Theresa Botha Nieuwenhuis

Even though I had written, I was still angry. I was like a woman with a REALLY bad PMS attitude. I did not give a damn if anyone got hurt in the process because I wanted them to know what my heart was going through. My child is gone, my child is never coming back, my child was taken away for no reason, my child had to suffer while other mothers abandoned and neglected their children. I had to give mine back even though I wanted to keep her with me forever.

e1306fabMy faith was no longer what it once was – what do I believe in? I believe in my God that can make a miracle happen and loves children unconditionally. But then how does He allow me to hurt so much every single day? How could He allow my child to be so sick for so long and suffer for so long when He could just have cured her and we could have carried on with our lives like normal people do.

But I came down to earth with a bang when I realised that He only gives when He receives, if I can put it that way. It does not help that you only know the Lord in bad times; you also need to know Him in good times because you cannot expect Him to just give and do everything and when He does then you forget about Him again.

But it did not take away my anger. I asked questions like why my child? What did she do to deserve this? Who gives Him the right to give me my child and to let me learn to love her and then just take her away again when He felt like it.

My heart was in pieces and nothing and no one could make it better. I had to accept the fact that my child is dead, and I could do nothing to save her.

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Xuané… a Reason to Smile Part 21


xuane ...a Reason to Smile

Xuané Niewenhuis
17 August 2006 – 24 October 2014
Forever ^8^

Xuané…

a Reason to Smile

By:

Theresa Botha Nieuwenhuis

My emotions rode the gamut and I became angrier each day, more scared and more at my wit’s end because the more questions I asked the less answers I got.

I decided that the best way to deal with these emotions was to write them down for everyone to read.

Mommy is

Mommy is angry. Mommy is disappointed. Mommy is terrified. Mommy is despondent. Mommy is heartbroken.

Mommy is angry because you are no longer here. Mommy is angry because Jesus could have healed you but He didn’t. Mommy is angry that even with all the technology that is available today not one doctor could help you. Mommy is angry because my heart is so sore that nobody can heal it except for you.

Mommy is disappointed because you are no longer here. Mommy is disappointed because Jesus allowed you to go through all that pain. Mommy is disappointed because you had to go through all that pain for 5 years and nobody could help you. Mommy is disappointed because there is no medicine for a sore and broken heart.

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Xuané… a Reason to Smile Part 20


xuane ...a Reason to Smile

Xuané Niewenhuis
17 August 2006 – 24 October 2014
Forever ^8^

Xuané…

a Reason to Smile

By:

Theresa Botha Nieuwenhuis

And so I watched everything on Christmas Eve. My husband and I had guests and I greeted them with a smile and tried hard to laugh but it was difficult… But we did it.

Presents were handed out on Christmas Eve and by jingo, Father Christmas’s pants tore again. Everyone screamed with laughter but in my heart I wanted to shout WHY and wanted to run away and scream!!!

Christmas morning I made coffee and ate a rusk, but with tears in my eyes because that little voice calling out “Hey, where’s mine?” was missing.
ee0bcaaf
I did not want to experience this day without her. Everything felt unreal, but we still enjoyed being with family. I think in the end the day was good and better than being alone, but sometimes one also has to confront one’s feelings in order to heal.

New Year came and we watched the fireworks from the balcony and when the clock struck midnight everyone was happy about the New Year and wishes were shared, and all that I could think about was “I am entering a new year without my Bekkieblom.”

I never thought this day would come but it did, and it caught me really badly. I was an emotional wreck and I wanted everyone to be able to see how sore my heart was. I wanted them to hurt too, just so that they could understand…

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Xuané… a Reason to Smile Part 19


xuane ...a Reason to Smile

Xuané Niewenhuis
17 August 2006 – 24 October 2014
Forever ^8^

Xuané…

a Reason to Smile

By:

Theresa Botha Nieuwenhuis

Gold Angel & Child photo goldangel_zps321d32ec.gif

I started to blame myself; I could have done more for her… I should have stayed with her so that she was not alone… I should not have gone to sleep, I should have stayed awake no matter how tired I was. She was my child and every mother does everything within her power to help their child, but at this stage I thought that I had not.

These worries drove me more and more every day; the questions started to add up and two days before Christmas I wrote again:

.(,)
 _.-ﺜ-._
. . |. . . . |…
. . |. . . . |…
. . |. . . . |…
. . ღღ./.ღღ..
(`*•.¸(`*•.¸(`*•.¸«•ஐ• »¸.•*´)¸.•*´)¸.•*´)
•ஐ• «☆ Love, Light , & Strength ☆» •ஐ•
(,.•*´(¸.•*´ (¸.•*´ «•ஐ•» `*•.¸)`*•.,)`*•.,

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Xuané… a Reason to Smile Part 18


xuane ...a Reason to Smile

Xuané Niewenhuis
17 August 2006 – 24 October 2014
Forever ^8^

Xuané…

a Reason to Smile

By:

Theresa Botha Nieuwenhuis

Juanita du Plessis sings a song “Ek Laat Jou Gaan.” She was Xuané’s favourite singer and this song was also played at her funeral. The words never really made sense to me until the night of 17th October 2014. I knew I had to let her go but I did not know that it was going to be so bitterly sore.

The words touch one’s heartstrings but they say exactly what I wanted to say to her so I asked that this song be played in the church especially for her.

I let you go

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Xuané… a Reason to Smile Part 17


xuane ...a Reason to Smile

Xuané Niewenhuis
17 August 2006 – 24 October 2014
Forever ^8^

Xuané…

a Reason to Smile

By:

Theresa Botha Nieuwenhuis

FEELINGS

Feelings are a strange thing. Emotions are even worse. They catch you at inconvenient times and in strange places…

The tiniest thing that you see that reminds you of her can open the floodgates, and you cannot stem the flow of tears no matter how hard you might try. Before you know it a week has passed, then 2 then 3… and the heart-breaking fact is that it is just going to get longer and it is never going to end until the day that I lay down my head.

Some days I just felt that everything was getting to be too much, but then I would see that little glimmer of hope again and would get strength from Above to carry on.

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Xuané… a Reason to Smile Part 16


xuane ...a Reason to Smile

Xuané Niewenhuis
17 August 2006 – 24 October 2014
Forever ^8^

Xuané…

a Reason to Smile

By:

Theresa Botha Nieuwenhuis

2014 (continued)

My phone went mad but I did not even have the strength to read all the messages never mind still answer them. I understood that people were concerned and wanted to extend their sympathies, but all I wanted to do was to sink into a little bundle and sit and cry. I hurt so much, and nobody could ever understand – not unless they had been through it themselves.
All the arrangements had been made and Xuané’s funeral had been organised; the death had been registered and all that was left of my child was a mountain of memories and a death certificate. The funeral was to be held on the 28th October… the same day as her operation 5 years previously.

The viewing was at 11H15. My sister-in-law, my brother-in-law, and two friends accompanied me – I was told that I could go in but when I started walking down the stairs I began shaking so much that I turned around and asked my brother-in-law to go in with me. I stopped at the door, but when I heard him say “Look how beautiful you look, My Rose” I walked on in. I saw her lying in a box, but she was the most beautiful angel and had such a peaceful expression on her face… I told her that I loved her and stroked her face but got a fright at the cold it gave off.

We returned home, but my heart was not there; it was with her. More than 300 people attended the funeral – I did not even know half of them. Afterwards they came to drink tea at our house and once everyone had left the deathly silence screamed in my ears.

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